“Then why it didn’t change for me? I keep making the same mistakes, I keep trusting people I shouldn’t, I keep falling for the wrong guy, I keep disappointing people around me and more important I keep disappointing me.” This is what I had been thinking my whole life.
In primary school I was given “the most quiet child in the class” award, but that was not me… I became like that because of my kindergarten colleagues which called me “four-eyed girl” because I wore glasses, drew pigs and told me this animal represents me and no one ever wanted to play with the pig. Because of them I stopped being social.
Did it work? No. It was actually worse. I had no friends, so when I started elementary school I decided to try and be like everybody else. As I was entering “the teenage period”, I started talking to girls in my class, I started wearing make up, I started caring about my appearance. I did everything girls at my age would do so I could fit in… but it was useless. While the girls in my class were admired by boys, I was being called names like “ugly”, “fat”, “stupid”. “loser” and some of them would even beat me if I didn’t give them money. Did any girl stand up for me? No, they were worse. They would spread rumors about me, for example, that I sent a picture of my vagina to somebody or they would hack my Yahoo messenger account and sent ugly messages in my name. I still remember waking up at night, going to the kitchen, taking the knife in my hand and looking at it but something always pushed me to let it down and go to sleep.
My only friend, which I used to call ” bestie” at that time, lied to me that her family was robbed. I helped her, I gave her money for food, I bought her clothes, I even took her to a restaurant every week. And what was her reward for me? She pushed me in the arms of a boy, 5 years older than me, who lured me and made me lose my virginity to him, at the age of 14 years old.
Elementary school passed and high school was coming up. I was so excited that I could finally start over and try to be happy for once. 9th grade was great, my colleagues an I were just getting to know each other and I met 2 of my greatest friends then. 10th grade… everything was fine, almost perfect, it was too good to be true. And it really was, because in 11th grade I had the worst experience, but at the same time the greatest. Why was it the worst? Because a girl accused me of stealing her boyfriend and turned the whole high school against me and abused me emotionally, physically and mentally. And why the greatest? Because her boyfriend was my best friend ever which I owe my life to. If he hadn’t been there for me, I wouldn’t be here writing this post. Meeting him was the best thing that ever happened to me. I was lucky to have him by my side in 12th grade when things got from bad to worse. All high school students treated me like shit, I started skipping school, my grades were low and almost got expelled because of my absences. I wanted to kill myself, but A, my best friend, saved me twice.
Finally, I graduated and I will be taking the Baccalaureate exams next week, but will things change once I start university? No. The only thing that will change is me. I have to learn how to not care about anything that people say, I need to start living my life the way I want to. I need to start loving myself for being who I am.
So don’t be afraid of being judged, don’t be afraid of people not liking you, don’t think that you have to be like them to be accepted. Don’t wear that dress, don’t put make up on, don’t listen to that song, don’t do anything just because other people do. You do whatever the hell YOU want. You do whatever the hell makes YOU happy. And once you do it… never look back.